Observation or Revelation
It appears to me that there are two distinct ways to know another person. One is by observation. You can carefully observe them in their daily life, and then make an assessment about who they are based on the data that you collect over a period of time. Another is by revelation. You learn about them by engaging them and asking specific questions and expressing a genuine desire to know them in more than a casual manner. What you ask them to do is to progressively reveal themselves to you.
The first is like knowing someone like a scientist knows a participant in an experiment. Any personal interaction can needlessly interfere with the process of gaining information. The other is like making an assessment of who they are by taking the time to listen to them as they share from their heart, things that you cannot know apart from them disclosing themselves.
When we know someone by observation alone, it can be almost clinical. If we use that approach, we don’t have to establish any kind of a personal connection with them. As we gather information, we develop theories about them, which may or may not be accurate. We can make assumptions about them based on the data we have collected. The focus of that type of relationship is primarily on the one making the observations. The one being observed is simply the subject and has no active part. This is what can be considered knowing someone from an intellectual perspective. It doesn’t really require any sort of personal interaction between the observer and the observee. Unfortunately, attempting to know someone in this manner almost completely devalues any input that the one being observed may be able to offer. We even risk making judgements based on what we see or don’t see. We may misinterpret what we are observing. Another danger is that we can begin to believe that we know them better than they know themselves, and the judgements that can come from that serve to abort any relationship that could have been established.
When we know someone by revelation, it involves more than just the intellect. As the one who is actively pursuing the other, they carefully listen as objectively as possible, to hear not only what they are saying, but to also listen for what they are not saying. Tears are a way of self-expression, as is laughter. What is found deep in the heart of another is not discoverable by collected data. I once heard a man say something about his wife that I thought was great wisdom. He said, “I know what hurts her and I know what makes her happy”. That is no small statement. If your focus is solely on the exterior reactions and/or even the actions of a person, you will not get an accurate view of who that person is. You might know their patterns. You might even properly predict what they will or will not do in any situation, but you will not know their heart.
You cannot know someone’s history from observing them presently. That only comes from valuing them enough to spend time learning everything about them that you can know. It comes over a long period of time of turning your face, and your own heart toward them.
I think it is interesting that when the Bible speaks of “knowing” someone, it most often gives expression to intimate knowledge. When it says, “Adam knew Eve”, it wasn’t speaking about an objective observation kind of knowing. It is another word for the intimacy that a husband and a wife share. It involves a deep spiritual, emotional and physical connection that is only achieved by the willingness of both people to pursue each other. There is nothing clinical about it. Neither person retains their objectivity. Their focus is solely on the other. Then, and only then, can you truly “know” someone.
In the Bible, there were men (Pharisees) who spent their entire life learning about God by what had been written about Him. They were wholeheartedly devoted to knowing everything they could know by studying the Torah (the first five books in the Bible). That knowledge separated them from others, that they perceived were not on their level as far as knowing the law of God and keeping it. No doubt they were serious and zealous. To some degree or another, you could say that they knew God by observation of what was written about Him, and also by the assessments of others that they perceived knew more than they did, like rabbis. They wholeheartedly believed they actually knew God. But, when the Son of God, the One Who was the God incarnate walked among them, they did not even recognize Him. In fact, in most cases, they rejected (and even opposed Him) because He did not fit their observations and judgements of who God was. They knew about Him, as much as any observer could, but they did not know Him in an intimate way.
God had a solution to that dilemma. Step away from observation alone, and be open to His revelation of Himself. They were a breath away from adding to all of their accumulated knowledge, with the possibility of knowing Him as He is, because He was more than willing to reveal Himself to any who were willing to believe that He was who He claimed to be. But many chose to hold on to their own assessments, even as the God of all creation- that they had devoted their lives to study- was among them. One was based on them and what they could do by their own effort. They had developed their own system of knowing God, which was a tremendous source of pride that they felt separated them from common people. To believe and be open to Jesus revealing Himself meant that they would be like everyone else.
Hebrews 1:3 says that “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being.” God was present with them, but they valued what they had learned about Him intellectually more than they valued the possibility of knowing Him by revelation, by Him revealing Himself to them as individuals. That is the very essence of religion, attempting to know God by limited observations and self-effort. And it can be the greatest hindrance to a genuine relationship and intimacy with God.
The truth is, we are 100% dependent on God to reveal Himself to us. All of our self-effort and striving can not produce this kind of intimate knowing. We will either be satisfied by what we think we know by our observation based on the accumulation of our knowledge on who we think He is, or we will come to God, completely dependent on Him and ask Him to do what He alone can do: reveal Himself to us.